ups and downs of a beautiful teenage wreck

5:15pm: Wow. It has been quit some time since I have posted an entry. There has been so much going on in my life ever since I have moved back and it's so hectic, no drama just issues and some other different things. Seems to me that there is always something going on now of days with me.

When I moved back, that evening my dad, stepmom, brother and David went out to Rio to celebrate my homecoming. I couldn't even explain the things I felt when I seen David pull in. I through down the basketball and walked over to him, he opened up the car door sat there, then stood up and we looked at eachother for awhile, then there it was - the thing I've been waiting 3 months for...a hug and a litte peck on the lips. I couldn't stop smiling that night my dad let me go out with him after we finished eating and I just loved every second of it, it was like heaven.

When I came back to school - I had people jumping on my back for a week and it felt so good to be back.

then later on it started hitting me, I miss my mom terribly. Then just a few weeks ago I lose one of my friends who I've known since I was 8, because I'm always with David and she thinks I'm stuck up. Then the other one and I are growing apart because she is always with her boyfriend and I'm always with mine. My two childhood friends are slipping away- well one has already. Then my grandma is put in the hospital. I start missing my mom even worse and not to forget my stepdad. ohh and my other friend is always working at DQ, I never get to see her or talk to her.

Things are still good and have always been good with David...going strong and I love him so very much.

There has been so much going on, emotional wise...only few good things about moving back that still remain is my family, what few close friends or just friends I have left and David.

But I am still having fun and life is good I can't complain just because somethings don't go like I had hoped. I still miss my mom and stepdad no matter what. but they're comin in sometime :]:]

and even though I lost a friend and the other 2 close ones are fading away I would still be there for them in a heartbeat.

6:02pm: Okay, so who ever said Tennessee was wonderful, was obviously blind and stupid as hell.
Because:
+ It's an illusion. once you live here you soon realize there is nothing here. then you get pissed off, because you left everything you know and love behind just for this illusion.
+ I can't adjust to it, when I have my friends, family, and WV on my mind all the time.
+ and number uno, It's NOT HOME, not even close nor will it ever compare or me the same.

I'm to depressed, all three of us are. We never get out of the house, I never hang with my friends on the weekends, I make excuses and tell them I can't maybe next weekend. All I do is stay in my room and talk to David♥ all day long.

I'm thinking about joining the softball team, get my mind off of this somewhat, keep myself busy. I like school here, but it's just to strict and what they expect out of you is insane. Red Bank High School- A school of excellence. Need I say more?
&& The school system is so out of wack. Get up a 5:20, catch the bus at 6:20, go to class at 7:5, then leave school at 2:20. You can't miss more than three unexcused days in a nine weeks or you will fail the semester. No jeans allowed only on Frodays and for being able to wear them on Fidays you have to buy a sticker on Thrusday and wear them on your jeans and if you come to school on Friday and forget to wear you sticker you get detention for being out of the dress code. Shirts have to have colors on them. Grading system is soooooo confusing. I hate it! My friends are cool, but not worth it.

My parents aren't happy well at least my mom isn't.

Home, sweet home. I couldn't stress to you enough about how much meaning that has behind it for me.

&& Most of all I have something home waiting for me, going through a hard time, sticking with me so far, but I can't get back to him.

This is the ONLY thing I have regretted in 17 yrs of life.

Ughhh. I'm out. Peace.

6:11pm:

My time here in West V. is getting shorter and shorter. Forget about the 3-6 months, try two weeks. I never thought I wouldn't be going back to school after Christmas Break, but I am. I couldn't deal living with my grandma- she's old fashion and she would have me under her thumb at all times.

Day or two after New Years...Will be my last day here. So soon, I would love to see everyone.

David and I have came to an agreement, long distant relationship- he doesnt want to break up and I couldn't do that to him. So were going to try this and if it doesn't work, then it doesnt work. I couldn't live without my mom.

Soo there is my latest update.

-Cole

8:34pm:

Some of you may know already. For those who don't. This is my last year in West Virginia. I never thought in a thousand years I would ever be saying that...yes, there has been thoughts about it and sometimes almost did happen, but they never came through.

This one is though...my stepdad got an offer in Tennessee and is moving down there in two weeks. I may or may not go. If he gets a one bedroom apartment, then I will have to wait till he buys a house, which might be 6 months from now..and well if he gets the two bedroom then I might go.

Alot of things are holding me back, friends, family...david. I have this feeling he could actually last a long time with me, but not if I move, because I would never put myself through a long distance relationship- never. My mom doesnt want me to leave him behinde, she thinks we could have a lot together in the days to come.

One way I'm down for it then the next Im against it and then I just go to complete confusion. I dont know I'm sooo torn and broken about this.

Leave the best thing that has happened to me yet behinde or leave my family behinde ??

Why is life sooo confusing ??!!

but my only goal is to spend time with Everyone before I leave...I wont leave untill I do it and it gets accoplished.

Ilya♥
-Cole

6:17pm:

I've got so much shit bottled up. && When I try to mention it to my friends they ignore it...it's my turn to have some one to cry to, my shoulder has been soaked for years from my friends, and now the biggest issue ever, no one wants to talk about it. Don't get my wrong, I love helping my friends.

I just need some one right now, before I drive myself crazy.
I know I usually put friends feelings and problems before mine, but I cant do that anymore...I need some comfurt and support.

I know my friends wont talk about it, because they dont want it happening esp. David..and well I wish they would just set aside that, because eventually it's going to happen and they can't do nothing about it.

&& this morning come to find out that I wont get to see my mom or stepdad for Christmas.

David...ughhhhh. I dont know what to do him or mom and stepdad ?? I'm sooo confused and torn. But is a boy really worth staying for and missing my family ??

I dont know, God- please help me. Thank You.
-Cole

7:10pm: Today was the best day ever !!!


only because two reasons I SEEN FELICIA AT KROGERS !! && i got me some special stuff hahaha.

Peace I'm outtie lol

-Cole

10:20am: && I'd give up forever to touch you, because I know you feel the same. You're the closest to heaven and i dont want to go home right now && all i can tastwe is this and all i can breath is your life and sooner or later it's over and I dont want to miss you right now && i dont want the world to see me, because I dont think they'd understand.

8:00pm: ++ Todays Topic -- Liars !!



You know I do not have the time nor the patience for Liars these days. I think it's the only way to avoid getting hurt, well I mean it might not stop it comepletly, but atleast it takes some of it away and chances will be less of it when you know you got rid of the people in your life who have let you down or lied to you.

I have found out in this year, that there will be plenty of people who will be your clostest friends and still manage to lie to your face. && for that reason I have let them go as well as their friendships, when we see eachother we talk, but we do not hang out anymore and we are not as close. I have gave these people two chances, and yet they still managed to mess it up.

&& Just last night I lost another one. One who is going through a hard time right now, and I have put aside my problems to reassure she will be fine and not hurt herself while shes going through this hard time of hers. I never ever though I would come to the point of no return with her. She has saved me many of times and been there...We've been close as close can get. When I moved up to the highschool we didn't talk as much anymore, and this year it got worse, but then this thing happened to her and I put aside that and was there for her, stayed true to her unlike many of people who she soon found out was not as true as they made her believe.

She has done this to me before, but I forgave her && that was back when I believed in more chances and wouldn't let go of a friendship because of some one lying to me or letting me down. Things have changed and now...sadly to say I think it's time for me to live my life and not to worry about it anymore. I dont want to be as close as we once were, because I know there will be many more times when she lets me down.

Although she did have a good reason this time, but it has happened so many times before. I just cant get past the fact of her ignoring me threee days before doing what we had planned to do earlier in the week, and then the morning of the night we were suppose to go do something, she emails me and sends me some bad news, I'm not sure weather to believe her or not...but the reason she didnt know if she could make it or not I dont think she would lie about something like that, but you know I dont know anymore...because I cant trust her, soo I dont know what to believe.

I dont want to talk to her as much, because I will go back to the old friendship. && I dont want that, because I simply can not be friends with some one who has ruined my trust and that leads into getting let down more and more, so to prevent it I wont do it, I wont.

Wow. I had to get it off. I'm not mad at her, but I am very disappointed.

9:48am: Another boring day at schooool. Yawn. Ive had an interesting weekend.

Friday, found out cody and the girl he broke up with me for had broken up so I messaged him telling him I found his jackt and to IM or email me back to remind me to give it to him. && so that way I could sneak and get it out of him of why him and Lecia were not dating. I told him I would have talked to him sooner, but I didn't know when Lecia was around and plus I really dont bother with guys who have girlfriends, and he said what girlfriend, I dont have a girlfriend, I was like WHAT?!! What happened and he told me. Hahaha I'm such a sly fox.

Saturday. David picks me up and when I'm gettin in the car I see a pinkish- yellow rose sittin in the passenger seat. So pretty. Then he takes me to Rio and has a suprised planned for me, comes out to be Ice Skating. He knows damn well I've never been, and it was so much fun. I fell once though, good thing I have great balance and can catch myself. && I talked to Cody some more.

Sunday- Went shopping for two hours, then went to my grandma's ans helped her move some of her stufff back to her old house, because my Grandpa gutted their old house and they moved into the trailor behinde them. Which use to be my uncles old trailor, before he moved. Hurt my back a little, but I would rather it be me than my grandma or mom since they've already have back problems and I could just heal from them within a few hours. && once again talked to Cody, I'm guessing were cooool now.

&& to top it off. I hate Mondays there so slowww and make it look like the weekend is foever and a year away. It's soo boring and quiet here I'm seriously about to take a niceeee long nap. wooooooo. Anyways I'm out I have to continue to do my work, gag. Ilu&hearts; -<u>Cole

9:32pm: bad dayyy.

i neeed some one to talk to.
im me. lovely x3 cole.
pa pa please. thank youu =]

9:21pm:

Okayy. I feel better I got all of that off my chest. but some thing I MUST correct. Even though you all can not see my last entry I'm still going to go ahead and say this.

I made my stepdad look like a monster and me the innocence. HAHA NO ! Sometimes I push his buttons just as well and I cause the yelling and fighting between us sometimes. We all know my temper, patience and attidue were not meant to be a smooth thing.

We collide just as much as we get along. Though there is one thing I would like to work on more (as a family) is the getting along. more talking with eachother other than at eachother.

Well I am done for the night.
-Cole

12:30am: I am currently;

++ pissed off
++ agrivatedd
++ confused=[
++g u y s!

Tonight was so and so. The game was cold. I left early, seen david I didnt even get a smile from his ass. He drives me bonkers !! One minute I'm crazy about him, the next I'm not sure at all. Pissed me off !!
Although I do understand, he would have gotten introuble if he would of turned around and talked to me, which is fine and all.

But later tonight(after the game)...

He IM's me when he gets online. Says he was sorry for not talking to me, but he would have gotten introuble. I said it was all cool and everything. Then he asks me what I was doing tomarrow, told him later tomarrow night going to a friends house. HE said well I want to see you, I said okay. Then he said, but I'm not sure whats going to happen tomarrow though, I asked him what did he mean, then he toook like 10 minutes to reply back to me. I was gettin aggrivated more and more. Then he said, what did you mean?? I told him what I meant and then he was like I don't know I haven't had anything planned, nothing in my book so far. Then we didn't say much- and he said well I'm calling it a night, I said alright, nite; he just signed off.

more less---he's acting very strange tonight !!

My message to him on myspace afterwards.....

I sent him a message asking, what the hell was that. You pissed me off ya know, I dont know how or why, but ya did. && Also thanks for saying bye. Whater. And I said Holler, and incase you're wondering I meant about our conversation if thats what you want to call it.

++ Or maybe it's because he thinks I don't want to hang out on his BIRTHDAY tomarrow, but if he thinks that then he must
be the dumbest person alive sheesh. GAHH I'm sooo tired of guys !!

I'll keep yaaa updated. I've got some thinking to do. Right now I think he's going to break up with me, if so then ya know what I'll do. Just end up getting me a new boyfriend, like always. Right now I'm soo confused on what to do, take the chance and break up with him and him not even planning on breaking up with me, or the other way around. Usually when I get the feeling that some one is going to break up with me, I am usually right 94% of of the time, ask any of my friends.
If it ends either way then for awhile I'm taking it solo, I know- I know I say this alot, but I need some breathing time and it will be more then a month. I can survive I'm a strong girl c( ;

Anyways. Keep yaa posted.
-Cole
[♥♥♥]

1:35pm: Baba Baba do that to me♥


WOW ! I really do love David Michael Williams, he won't ever know just how much or that I'm crazy about him, because I don't want to let my gaurd down, and have him pull back from me. I like us, how we are now. Tangled up in eachother. He's soo freaking cute and such a sweetie. I met his parents, his mom is gorgeous and super sweet, I know his dad. I took him to my dads house. Whoa, I have never taken a boy inside my dads house before esp. before comming to my house, it was so weird. My dad liked him, stepmom, and brother. Then we took him over to my grandparents, wow...they liked him too. I still have yet to take him to my house. He's pickin me up Sunday and I suppose were going to church with the family and then out to eat, yumm. My dad's family knows his, which doesn't suprise me.

I don't talk about him much to family or friends, because thats letting you're gaurd down, and thats against my rules from now on, guard has to stay up. It seems like every time I let it down, guys break my heart, so no I refuse!! I'm fine the way I am with him now ****

++ I got my glasses, by the way =]

++ Those damn assholes didn't show up for Kris's hearing. Which if it happens next time she's off the hook. I've got some one already wanting to beat Halstead's ass. HAHAHAHAHAHA !! He may be 17, but he can kiss my ass. Wait, so am I !

My stepdad and I got into it big time, before I left to go out on Trick or Treat. WOW ! I was pissed, and for once I could not control it. I had the baseball bat in my hand and hittin shit with it. Rage major. I felt like an insane person on the edge. Crazyness. When you put you're hands on a woman or child, that just sets me the fuck off, I'm not nessecarily talking about him in particular, just period !

Welp I hate to write in here since It's beeeeeeeeen forever.
I'm outt ♥♥♥♥

-Cole

9:32am: Shot through the heart, and you're to blame. You give love, a bad name. A bad name. Chyeahh c( ;

I have not been home all weekend, been up at Aimee's yeah son. Her mom was out of town. So her crazy ass dad was there to watch us kids, and of course me I love their dad aka my other dad. and see him. He picks alot. We had a lot of fun. First when Amber and me got back Aimee was there, pissed because I ditched her for Amber. Aimee was NOT home when we were going to the movies, soo I took Amber. I still felt bad. Luckily for me, she can't stay mad for long at me.
Then the next day I was going to leave, but then Samantha came over, and hell we just made it a partyh get together. Goofing off, picking on eachother, eating, laughing, watching tv. GOOOOOD TIME ! I haven't laughed soooo hard in such a long time. Robbie and me were wrestling...I handled him well. He got me sometimes and I got him sometimes. Then by the time Amber, Aimee, Samntha, Me, Robbie, and Blake realized what time it was, we decided to stay up all night long. Well...first Samantha crashed, then Blake, then Aimee. As for Amber, Dad(Robbie),Me- we all stayed up. I'm dead tired, I'm soooo very slow right now. But hyper off of three cups of coffee.

Awhl, and I think I'm reallllllly starting to like David more♥
He's about the sweetest. He's a keeeeper. But other then that my weekend
has beeen kick ass son !!! Monday SUCKS !

Ohhhhhh one more thing, I GET MY GLASSES IN A DAY OR SOOO !!! YIPPPPEE !!

1:20pm: another day at school with the worst headache possible. This time with dizziness, hot flashes, and upset stomach, and shockin pains. Not to mention the throbbing. OUCH MAJOR !!!!!!! && I'm pissed because I called my mom at lunch (11:30-12:00) and she was to tired to come and get me even if I had passed out earlier. I don't even thinks she believes me. Also she thinks I need to stay here and finish my work, when really I'm all caught up for everything, and I could take the things they were going to give me in my classes after lunch home with me and work on them, since all they were is to look some questions up online. Easy right ??!

Today's been abad day. I really reallly need my glasses or else I wont be able to continue to finsish my work...without the 6 hour lasting headaches. =/

12:03am: I hate winter it brings down the moods, sends chills down your spin, and mainly shrinks shit and makes some shit pop up. lmao.

Good things about it
+ school delays
+ snow boarding
+ fire place =]

Yeah thats about all I can think positive about this season.
Pretty much it all boils down to, it sucks major balls.

Today I didn't go to school...major headache from yesturday
over stayed it's welcome and it's finally gone. I need a
break from the computers and reading at school till I get my
glasses sometime next week. But the bad side is report cards
next week, and grades turned in this week. Soo there is nooo
getting around this at all. Since I missed today and I havee
some work to catch up on, I'll have to work my ass off extra
hard tomarrow. I hate school, I hate winter, I'm ready formy
favorite season to come around. Wishing it was summer. BLAHH

More news in the world of me:
My uncle is severly depressed
all because of my stupid whorish aunt Elaine. Ran off with the kids, including his only daughter, and only child to Flordia. Has the whole
family in an uproar. I will kill her next time I see the stupid bitch
I have so much hate and anger built up with her right now.I know I can
take her my cousin Jess. has seen it happen. Shits not fair to do my
uncle, and probably could end up giving my grandma a heartattack wondering
about her grand daughter who is ONLY one year old. Have no idea how she is doing and everything. my uncle should turn her in for kidnapping and stealing their van. The bitch took off while he was at work. Taking half of all her 5 kids clothes and her too, Plus the van. Which he is paying for. At first my mom told me not to get involved...but then she sent him a text saying I LOVE YOU AND I WILL BE HOME MAYBE IN 4 DAYS. Next couple of days called him saying FUCK YOU !! && he did nothing to her. He was balling on the phone. He says he cant be with her anymore, it's like an emotional rollercoaster, one minute she loves him, the next she hates him. One minute shes leaving, then next staying. I could possibly absolutely kill the fucking ugly fatass bitch !!
ESP breaking my uncles heart and taking off with Kaitlyn !!

I dont know what kills me more the fact shes a fuckin looney or she messing with his head. She has to pay 7,000 dollars in fines. She either
+ cant live FL till their payed
+ pay them or not and go to jail
+ or come back home in NC and pay them by mail.

If she has to stay then my uncle should go get the baby. Poor thing probably doesn't even know where she is right about now. She's staying with her crazy ass mom who married a fucking 19 yr old, and shes older then my grandma !!!!

I could kill her, she's the only and 1st person I could ever kill.
It would be worth it, but I just think I would kick the hell out of her.
She deserves it. My whole family hates the bitch, even before all of this has happened. I hope she comes back to my uncle, and they come into WV, one more time together soo I can knock the hell out of her, and have my whole fucking family down here watch the bitch get some sense knocked into her head. I know my mom and grandma will go off, my grandma has no buiness gettin all worked up like that since shes not in soo great of health, and neither my mom since her heart and all. I just say leave it up to me. Grandma says dont snoop to her level, but ohh I will and no one will stop me. You just watch.

Woooooo. Sorry I had to vent. I've had that built up for a month now.
Holler later.
-Cole

8:04pm:

Welp my eye sightis deff. blurry from those eye drops the eye doctor put in my eyes, it's so hars to see things right now. I chose my glasses, and some time aronnd this time I'll have my glasses next week. I'm pretty excited. I'm always up for a change when it comes to my looks c( ;


I'll fo sho be White AND Nerdy


-Cole

6:44pm:

I belong to me I dont belong to you this distance this dissolution i cling to memories while falling sleep brings release and hope of a new day
waking the misery of being without you surrender,I give in another moment is another eternity call me, I'll be waitin for the end of my broken heart I won't go so far as to say that I'm fine too much of what I felt for you remains I'd like to believe in the healin hands of time but the truth is, I really can't say
if i'm gettin better or just used to the pain


I know there are other people out there who can not get a relationship or find the right person, or just maybe their never happy with the ones that come across them, and every thing is wrong- never going the way they wish.

Me on ther other hand. Wow. I go from relationship to relation ship, and there has been 8 guys in the past month after him only one has lasted two months, the other 7 have lasted a month or not ever that long.

I go from guy to guy, never doing anything with them, just being there, trying to love what I have, but it never works and when I do. I let my gaurd down, and then I just get a heart break in the process
There has only been two that I've let my gaurd down and actually liked them.

It just seems as if no one can compaire to him at all, not even close, and when I tink they do...they break my heart. So now my wall is twice as thick and my gaurd is twice as stong. I don't think I could break trhough my wall now if I tried. It's crazy and is enough to drive a person insane, you can only imagine !

Now on the other hand, I've got this big teddy bear right now, that is soo sweat and has a heart of gold !
He's simply gorgoues, my type brown eyes, tan, tall, brown hair, muscular, drives and is a football player.
One thing is missing- his personality ! SHEESH ! This boy has no personality, sure he can be funny...but then again he never talks barley and he is always staring at me wich is cute, I just wish he would talk to me as much as he stares.

Every one knows I have to have some one who can keep up with me...and make me laugh for a change. Sadly enough, I'm not feeling this anymore. I want to let go, but can't. What to do here ?

I can be single for a while, but every one who knows me knows that doesn't work quiet as well. But then again I really can't see me leaving him. I think there could be something there with us and if I hang around then maybe he will leave Jacob in the dust, ya know ??

Soo I guess the smart thing would be is to just hang around. Least he's not an asshole causing me major damage.

Woooo. I had to vent. If you don't like it then..well all I can say is...STFU BIA ! lol juss kidding.

-Cole

7:23pm: A possible new change in the look ?
Come Monday, I've got an eye appt. Due to all of my headaches that will not go away. Soo hopefully I won't get them. But then again I do want them, because I think they'd make me look cuter. Esp. The squar framed ones. I know when I put my friend's on I can see much better, and she is near sighted, wich I've always been. I've never been able to see far away to well.
It's all good though c( ; Welp since I can not find anything else again, and I don't want another sappy journal about Jacob, and even since I'm not really thinking about him, then I guesss I will head this out. Peace out Grl Scout♥

-Cole

5:10pm: peoms i wrote, yeah guess for who.

Lets Be Us Again
I saw you today
and I wanted to go up to you
and kiss you away
But then I turned around
and there she was
then I faded in the background
shes the one you love
its not me this time
she was sent from above
for you, to last for a lifetime
I don't know how I can let you go
its going to be hard
because you were apart of my heart and soul
No matter how hard I try
its never going to work
so now I feel like I could die
our love didn't last;its time to take a different route
Come back to me
lets be us again
or set my heart free
-Nicole


Me,
My world is
A simple heart
A dark night
A sad love song
And your memories

You,
Your world is
A hard-hearted
A joyful evening
A "R&B" song
And not even my name in your mind=
You,
Having your own dreams
You,
Having someone else's memories.
It is just my simple heart
Chasing my stupid dream
-N.B


Missing you just hit me like a brick
and i thought i was doing ok
seems a second cant pass without you on my mind
you're all i want and all i need
i cant see it any better than that
one problem, the thing we call distance
haunts us like a bad dream
how could something that supposed to be right
have everything go all wrong
my life will stay incomplete until
you're here
Nicole

That's it for right nowww.
tell me whatchaa think =]


-Cole

4:06am: Blast From My Past. will be the death of me.


When you break a girls heart, and she comes across you in public, and no matter if it's been a year or three, the feelings come rushing back to her.




Speak to me, all you gotta keep it strong, move along, move along, like I know you do. Even when the hope in gone all you gotta do is move along,move along, just to make it thru. When everything is wrong, we move alongggg.





+ Don't come up and talk to me, please don't look at me. Ignore me, I'm invisable, he cant see my right ??
Oh here he comes now, watch his beautiful eyes stare down into this empty soul of mine, reach down and tear out my cold/black heart once more, like the old times, c'mon baby make me hurt worse, it's what you're good at. -N.B

Today I was out in public, I walked into Walmart, and Who did I see, a blast from the past. I was hoping him and his family would ignore me. His mom, stepdad, two brothers, Beth, and his dad and his mom. They were all together it was like I was at my funeral. I was trying to sneak by so softly without a peep. It didn't work and they all came rushing over to me. Joey screamed. "look it's Nicole !!" Bastard. So I had to sit there for ten minutes talking to them, pretending I'm okay- hiding my smile- like normal. Flash backs with every word said, and every hug.

First it was his Mom, Joey, Beth, Dad, Stepmom, Stepdad, Beth and Cj to hug me, and he came up to me taking his time, reached out his arms
(which I was hoping he would not even bother) but he did, and I couldn't help but to hold back at first then- I hugged him. So much comming back from that hug and then here came the feeling that I never want to let go, please don't let me go ever again Then heres the breaker, "How is life going for you??" We miss you so much, You never come by or call us anymore, says his mom, dad, stepdad, and stepmom. I just replied saying, I've been super busy. && I'm doing fine, just hanging out with my boyfriend, and how are you all doing ?? I avoided the I miss you. Minutes passed as we ended the conversations and I walked off.

I kept running into them, smiling as we walked passed.
Then finally gettin the fake mask off my face. I wanted nothing more, but to go home and just die.
Sit in a dark room, and not talk to any one for hours.
It was like a brutal attack. one person standing all alone against 8 strong people that could survive with out me. I always knew this day was comming, but I wasn't prepared. What was the odds of me seeing them all at once and at the same place. I will call his stepmom and Dad sometime later this week, I do miss them and plus Jacob doesn't live with them anymore.
But I'm still scared too. && most of all he said he might call me, but what will his girlfriend think about that ?? Will I answer, and if I do, will I talk or just blow him off ????!!!

&& just as I thought today was going to be a good day, and not having to worry about thinking about him, when he wasn't on my mind, then I had to see him and his whole family- with all the hugs, questions, and esp. him and his hug, and smiles</u> GAHHH ! I just felt like running away and never looking backk. Punching the rear=view mirrow and not looking back. Sheesh..I survived it shocking as it is, but I don't think I want to, simply because it will be on my mind for weeks after today.

Well heck. I thinking I'm going to go. I'm sure I will be posting another entry about my upsetting and dificult day I came across this afternoon. Later Gator.

There you sit in your heartache, waiting on some beautiful boy to save you- forgiving. Oh watch here
he comes now.

-Cole

1:38pm: whazz goood.

You make Me wanna La♥ La♥ !!



Well today I'm doing fine. Yezzir ! Hyper/High. That's whats up rightt?? Fun fun fun day at schoool. Some things have been on my mind, such as my boyfriend not really having a personality and barley talks. Always starin at me, wich is cutee. He's cute, drives, and is a footballer player. Also he is the biggest sweetheart. I don't know though. If there not mean to me, then I'm not so attracted to them. Sometimes if I just wait and seee how he ends up to be.

As for my other problem. I haven't learned to deal and I don't think I will ever, I've lost all hope in ever thinking I can get him off my damn mind. I have learned that he was a great deal of my life for many months, almost a year, and I don't think I would ever survive to seee me not thinking about him. We may not be talking, or never do..but atleast my memorie is still sharp as knives. I would die if I forgot about everything. When I have a bad day, and something reminds me of him or something about him or just something we did together, puts a smile on my face. I hope he doesnt forget to remember about uss. I just hope she treats him well. He deserves it, and I mean it with all of my heart.

Soooo this includes today's lesson. = No more dwelling over the past, because it ended, but because it happened. And from all the lessons and things I learned about love. The mistakes and do overs my first love taught me not to carry onto my next love. And mostly...even tho he is not here with me anymore, doesnt mean I should be upset...I've still got my memories to remember him by.
(yeah I know that was corny, but it's how I feel)

♥ ♥ ♥ ♥


-Colee

2:20pm: boredd.
IN A CARUNDERWATER, Armor for Sleep
Believe the news, I'm gone for good. Call off the search-knowing never. Believe the note, I left for you. You can't turn back the clocks in a car underwater with time to kill thinking back I forgot to tell you this, I didn't care that you left and abandoned me, what hurts more is I'd still die for you. Thinking back in a car underwater with time to kill I forgot to tell you that I didn't care you left and abandonded me, what hurts the more is I would still die for youu. Made time slower - stay with me longer To late for me knowing we'll never be the same again. Believe your dreams of me incase so far behinde. cant folow me this far.in a car underwater with time to kill thinking back I forgot to tell you this, I didn't care that you left and abandoned me, what hurts more is I'd still die for you. Leave it up to me to burn you again this was not ur fault please forgive me. leave it up to me to burn it again. soo forget me. dont think bad of me, just let me goo. dont think back of me at all. just let me go. dont think bad dont think back of me at all. Just let me goo. In a fcar underwater of time to kill I forgot to tell you this I didnt care that you left and abandoned me. What hurts more is I would still die for you. I would still die for youu. For youuu. I would still die for youuuu.

okay, So I don't think gettin him out of my head will be so easy. I'll just let time do it's thing and just wait.

[♥♥♥] ilu. -Cole

10:36am: Start of a new day.
I've got to get this off my chest. I have no deep dark secrets other then this one, and I'm sure to most people it's obivious and some are just clueless. But no one will truley know my real feelings and the pain I deal and hide every day and every awaking minute of that day, even in my dreams I can not escape from him. I need to learn how to deal with this problem of mine, before his face becomes my fate.

This morning I put on my make up, getting ready for school, and I had put on a shirt I havent wore for about 10 months now, it's been hanging in my closet, and when I put it on this distinct smell brought me back to some one. Jacob, I had remembered last time I wore that shirt I was at his house, spilled sauced all over it and he had washed it for me. Now today has been nothing but a thinking to back when fest about him, and it's worse since I ran into him last weekend. Now he's on my mind 24/7. I hate this because I feel like in a way im betraying David.

I hate thinking about Jacob all the time, I can never escape the constant thoughts of him. We dated for nine months, and I never imagined some one could tie me down that long, and I loved every minute of being with him, spending the night with him, laying beside of him, and waking up next to him. Staring into his beautiful green eyes, his hands rubbing my back..playing with my belly button ring and constantly telling me he thought me tummy was cute. Then after three months things got rocky, we had our first argurment, and arguing was one of the things we were good at, but it didn't take no time to get close again. When I we were arguing with eachother I felt a deeped intamicy with him then I have ever felt before. I miss his family, who loved me dearly and would always want me to come over and spend the night with them, and just sit with them and be apart of the family. They thought I was the best thing to happen to him. I thought so too, and suprisingly he did also. We'd do anything together, tell eachother anything, and just lay around for hours talking to eachother.

Now it's been 8 unreal months with out him. I'm over him, but I'll never forget him. Since he's droped out of school I never see him sept once in a blue moon. Every time I run into him in town all the memories, good and bad, and the feelings of the heart ache and love at the same time rush back into my body. What hurts even more is not being able to talk to him either. He probably thinks I'm a stuck up bitch who is shady, and I dont blame him, he doesn't even get one look from me. But what I would really love to do is just attack him with the biggest hug ever. He always loved it when I would take a run at him and hug him whenever I see him. I'm gettin better at this learning to deal. All these unanswered questions are killing me though. I would of loved to have known what he thought about me when he seen me last weekend. Have I gotten any prettier, how do i compair and differ from his current girl friend.

The biggest thing that gets under my skin I would have to say is, Him always going back to the ex before me, every time he breaks up with some one it's always her, he never even thinks about going back to me. Not that I would or anything, just I wish he would atleast try, It would make my day. But I do know why he wont. He thinks I deserve better then him, he got tired of him hurting me and making me cry and he told me he couldnt do that to me anymore. Although I am the one who broke his heart and dumped him. I don't think It would work out between us, if we ever gave it another shot. Things would never be the same, we could never get back what we had. We have to much of strong history to even be friends. We've tried but have not been successful.

For 9 months, he was my life, my love, and most of all my best friend. We spent every day and night together, and laughed about everything. I miss the hugs and the kisses. Mostly I just miss him. I know there was plenty of bad, but when you miss some one you dont remember the bad in that person. When he calls me I begin to shake and I get all nervous, and can not stop shaking...and for the first time I have no idea what to say, but once we get to talking I can't stop and he makes me laugh and everything. But he rarley does that. His brother and brothers girlfriend want us back together soo much, they miss the fun times. I just wonder if he does.

But today is a new day, starting now...no more dwelling over my lose, I've met some wonderful people since we've broken up and I think of it as a gain, not a lose. I know it will take me some time, but it's worth trying then just being stuck on this feeling that I will never come across again. Him and I are done, and I think it's time I face the facts and love what I have right now.

8:41pm: New to this.
Man, there is soo much to do here. && it's limited all because my capibilty of knowing what to do on here. If you know me add me, and if you can assist some help, please do. Lol. Thank you. -Cole